I will now grant you health in 5 steps.

Hi, my name is Dick Mostly - the Antiprofessional. I lost 60 pounds by coming to grips and realizing I was a lazy idiot. These are the same five steps I explained to myself in order to start down the path of awesome. Ready? Go.

This shouldn't give you an erection.

1. Stop eating shit. 

You're fat. It's not genetics. You just suck at eating. Shitty foods fatten you fast. If you don't think they do, then look at yourself. Then look at the extra bowl of potatoes you're eating after your second bowl of potatoes. Gravy? Not a food group. You're being stupid.

2. Stop thinking exercise sucks.

Because everyone already knows it does. But being out of breath from showering also sucks. So you need to get your shit together.

I want to be inside you.

3. Stop thinking fat is the enemy.

Just because you're fat doesn't mean fat is bad. Quit making this shit personal. Carbohydrates and Sugars are the things that really "suck," and it's not even because they actually suck. It's because you're too lazy to burn them off properly, which is really your fault, but it's much easier to say that General Mills is a douche bag for exploiting your lack of willpower towards their delicious lineup of myth-based cereal characters.



So go ahead and avoid that avocado or pasta because they're high in fat or carbs while you're topping off your cauldron of frozen yogurt with pixie sticks and cheescake. Sounds reasonable, right? (By the way, that is fucking delicious).

4. Realize that you're being dumb.

You can't go work out then eat Taco Bell (I've done this) then be pissed at the lack of progress. (I've also done this). You're being ridiculous. Fire sauce? Not a vegetable. Although you will lose weight from the inevitable raging toilet massacre that follows said Taco Bell.

5. Chicken Caesar Salad isn't a fucking diet.

If you think your diet isn't working, you're probably eating a chicken caesar salad. Health is education. It's learning about you. What you like, and don't like. I know this scares people because they don't want to take that awkward journey inward to find out why they enjoy cross-dressing so much on Thursdays. A good diet keeps you entertained. You shouldn't feel handcuffed.

Well picked diet: "Go ahead buddy, I trust you."
Poorly picked diet: "You will jam this in your throat, or I will punch you in the throat."

Extra dressing, please I'm on a diet.

Likewise you shouldn't pick a diet that has foods you don't like, or can't have. Some diets will work for some people, others won't. If you're allergic to whey, you should probably stop eating whey protein you idiot. If you don't like fish, then going Pescetarian really was just a way of showing your ex you can commit to something. 

Just because it has the word "salad" in it, that doesn't mean it's good for you. You have to actually make rationale health decisions that equate to, "Are we sure six gallons of mayonnaise is healthy?" Yes, these decisions generally make other people go: 

"You're getting what?!" While they're fire-hosing hollandaise sauce on their pie-stuffed pancakes with a side of shame. (Also delicious). To which I generally reply: 

"I'm getting something that sucks, can I give you $5 to lick at your fingers after you're done eating?" But that's neither here nor there.

BONUS: Stop rewarding yourself for shit you didn't earn.

How about dieting for more than an hour before rewarding yourself with an Oatmeal Cream Pie stuffed with heath bars. That's disgusting. Now excuse me while I go make that.

Here's an incredibly useful diet education site to help you choose what diet works for you: http://dietchoices.com/

If this post upset you, pour some gravy on it.