Is This What Entrepreneurs Smell Like?

Your lead-off quote from this entry: "Blowing smoke up someone's ass chafes terribly and it's only a matter of time before they realize the dull, sandpaper-like pain in their rectum is due to the bullshit spewing from your lips."


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Monday wakeup: 9am

Tuesday wakeup: 10:30am

Wednesday wakeup: 11:00am

Thursday wakeup: 12:15pm

I'm sensing a pattern here, and if my calculations are correct I should be waking up for next Wednesday next Thursday. The pattern has developed in part due to hard work... but mainly in part due to late nights. Late nights that come with nurturing an idea; this tiny little baby of hope and American dreams that can be something amazing if raised correctly. But, like most babies, especially in the beginning, (please note: this is speculation, my limited dealings with children usually involved me walking/sprinting in the opposite direction) it comes action-packed with vomit and crap-filled twists and turns that keep your days long and your nights longer. Lucky for this baby (or us), we've got the hours (and beer) to deal with it.

And I can't stress enough the "working off of my balcony in the summer sun" thing. Really is awesome.

Prehistoric Demon Fish-Serpent

For three days straight myself and Phil (my business partner) have foregone sleep, personal hygiene, and contact with the outside world to try and put together a proposal for a deal that could pair us up with a business that does something very complimentary to what we do. Like the tooth fairy, our work is mainly done from the hours of 11pm-4am (sans breaking into homes of sleeping children), trying to get the infrastructure set up for this venture, which is like trying to build a road map for the ocean floor: full of dark, uncharted waters and prehistoric demon fish-serpents that have Christmas lights hanging off their forehead and can turn you to stone with one look. That last portion is unfounded, by the way.

But that's the fun of it all!!! Adventure of the white-collar variety!

Let's get you back on track:

Now, I'm not big on flashbacks, but apparently I'm even less into writing while I'm swamped, and since I have been slacking, I need to bring you up to speed. Last Thursday we had a meeting with a company that does SEO. Gather round kids for your two minutes of boring jargon-vomit!

SEO is Search Engine Optimization.

The basic premise of what we offer is Social Media Optimization (SMO).

SEO enhances business through Google. SMO enhances business through Social Media.

As far as our companies hooking up goes: that's what we in the business call a "no-brainer." So we had to pitch them on linking up and sharing business, their services broadens what we can offer clients, and vice versa.

We met last Thursday and it went something like this (note- this is an artists' simplified rendition):

"We own a business."

"We also own a business. We do things like you, but in different areas."

"Can this make money?"

"Not only can it make money, it will help keep clients happy."

"Get us something in writing."

That's called synopsis, friends. 

Basically we met with a panel of 5 executives - three owners, a head sales rep (contact of mine), a Venture Capitalist, and a partridge in a pear tree...wait.

Ok, Partridge in a pear tree. I have to look that up. That is just ridiculous. How did that ever make sense? I get the bird. Great gift. Thanks for springing this flying glorified shit sprayer on me unexpectedly, really appreciate it. Oh, and what's this? You're jamming it into my home nested into this massive pear tree? That is just spraying debris all over my house and has rotting pears spitting fruit flies and disease all over my children? This is the best Christmas ever!

Anyway, so we met with this SEO company about linking up and sharing business, they were really open and receptive which helped us twofold.

1. We could potentially open up a new stream of business.

2. This was myself and Phil's first professional pitch to a panel of business owners, under fire from questioning and skepticism of the "my ass is on the line" variety. The most honest kind. From what we gathered from feedback and our own feelings, there were of course things that could be improved upon, but it went remarkably well.

If I could give one piece of advice during a business meeting, or interview, or life, it's this: stick to your guns. Stay genuine. People will respect you more for it, and if it wasn't going to be a good fit, it wouldn't have been anyway whether it was right at the interview, or five months down the line when you snap and start drinking cow's blood and shoot the place up after not being able to cope with lying to yourself anymore. Don't say what you think they'll want to hear, say what YOU mean. Blowing smoke up someone's ass chafes terribly and it's only a matter of time before they realize the dull, sandpaper-like pain in their rectum is due to the bullshit spewing from your lips.

After the meeting last Thursday, we had a deadline of the following Wednesday to get them something to work with. Which we did, after many hours (and I mean hours) of competitor pricing structure, and methods all while dealing with emails, chat boxes and voicemails that look something like this:

"Hey, it's your best client, remember me?????????"

"Of course. How could I forget you?"

"Hey it's your other best client I need you at so and so."

"Hang tight, other best client, best client needs something."

"Well he's not worth it so cancel him."

"HEY IT'S ANOTHER CLIENT I NEED SOMETHING"

"Ok, Ok, everyone please wait a second"

*Unintelligible screaming*

So we definitely experienced some growing pains. We're swamped with our current client-base and trying to grow our business and create its infrastructure. It's a lot. And our current clients know they got us BEYOND a bargain, it's incredible how much we're doing for the price, so we just had to be open with them, because if there's another piece of advice I can bestow? It's honesty. It's the best policy. Your 5th grade guidance counselor wasn't just saying that.

"Dear clients:

We apologize for any miscommunication...we really value you as customers...what you are asking of us is not in line with the scope of what we originally agreed upon."

It was a very tactful letter that politely said "You're asking us to do stuff we didn't agree upon, are getting mad at us for not doing so, and don't want to pay for it." 

With that being said, we called some of our competitiors and checked out their pricing and processes to get a better insight into the industry. Yeah.

- Unintelligible Asian call center answered the phone

- Unintelligible Russian call center answered the phone

- No one answered the phone

- No one answered the phone, then called us back from a blocked number.

That's what's out there. But then again, that's what's out there in most industries, a lot of outsourcing, and a lot of "get em cheap" mentality. It bodes well for us and our endeavor, because we'll be happy to fill that old "quality" role.

In any event, when you're not yet living your dreams, it doesn't hurt to enjoy the road getting there...and for now, that's paved with a sunlit porch full of work and beer.

Fortune Cookie: Don't blow smoke up someone's ass, unless they specifically ask for it, and are specifically paying fair market value for that service.

Craigslist Ads posted: 1

Meals artfully cooked by Phil: 4

Meals artfully destroyed by Chris: 3

Packs of candy consumed: 26

Times my car battery died: 9

Songs sung: 34

Meltdowns had: .5

Ketchup Part 1

This entry took about a week to write, so I'll need two parts. Kind of like Law and Order, only less preachy and murdery. As I conclude my first official week of work as President and COO of Beyond the Box Productions, as well as my headlong swan dive into the perceived shark-waters of the business world, I felt it was time to reflect.

Yeah, I know. It's been a while. But I've been busy with things that actually directly result in my survival. Like working, which has now become the "working a lot more for a lot less" show, starring myself and my bright a shiny hopes for a spinoff entitled "Chris took a risk that really worked out for all involved." But for those of you that are following along on my wild ride let me itemize some things, certain allotments if you will, that employed people are able to enjoy due to earning a solid weekly paycheck, as opposed to the upstart entrepreneurial substitution, which yours truly is currently enduring the initial "hardships" of.

     The Working Man                                                          The Working for Himself, Man

Eats Steak.

Eats whatever the hell this is.

Takes public transportation

Drives their car places

And other things I could find funny pictures for but don't feel like. (Besides, is any picture REALLY going to top Public Transportation's?)

Anyway, the point is: there are a few life changes that had to be made in order to continue on this paycheckless (for now) path. But that's neither here nor there, I have some catching up to do. 

So I am a week into my "freedom from the corporate grind" campaign to champagne or bust. And for those of you just joining us, this blog is really a scope through which to view "the game" all businessmen must play in order to win the rat race, and should serve as an inside look and chronicle on my wild ass journey into fame and fortune...or panhandling across America.

Stand back, I'm going to try recapping!

Wednesday was fun

No it wasn't. Wednesday was the day that millions of innocent schedules were assassinated by the city. It started with a time limit: I had a meeting at the (soon to be) ex job, a meeting I had to push back to later in the day because I KNEW the city would be out to get me. So I built in an extra two hour buffer. That's enough, right? WRONG. It was about 9,000 degrees and we hit traffic, lots of it. In fact, the Henry Hudson Parkway was just Henry Hudson Parking. We jumped on it and immediately cruised to zero miles an hour as a wall of cars straight out of some Michael Bay disaster flick blocked us from any forward progress.

I've never seen cars hop curbs and go backwards up on-ramps to get off of a highway before. It was bedlam, like being on the Vehicular Titanic. People just panicking and jumping over curbs and medians and murbs and whatever they could jump to find the nearest open roadway.The entire parkway was shut down. I can only imagine that a meteor made of live dinosaurs collided with the earth and awoke a dormant dragon of some sort under the Henry Hudson Parkway. That is the only thing I can fathom happening to shut down the entire parkway. Needless to say we were late to our client appointments, and I had to rush to be two hours late to the meeting I had pushed back two hours. I guess they felt firing me would be redundant at this point.

One of my theories as to what caused the Henry Hudson Parkway closing 

Thursday was full of...

Nothing I can remember worth mentioning. 

Friday brings our final goodbyes...

Let me tell you: Friday was the most underwhelming final day of employment I've ever had. Don't get me wrong, it was fine by all means. I just envisioned it a little differently. I feel most of us would agree that we picture a long-standing relationship ending with a little Hollywood flair.

The Chris Musto vision of Friday: 

I burst through the doors to ticker tap being power washed into my face by midgets wearing zebra costumes from inside of a wedding-sized going-away cake. Everyone is clapping and I'm acknowledging. I get to my desk and sit down, some people stroll through bringing me cards and various cakes and pies. I make it through my day giving hugs to various, tearful coworkers, reminiscing about the past. In the end there is a grand Mystery Alaska-esque finale where I give a heartfelt soliloquy that everyone stands silent after, then one, unknown man starts a slow clap that soon contagiously erupts into thunderous applause. Then I give some wonderful one-liner like "Remember to eat your Wheaties, because you're all Champions to me." Wink. Then ride off into the sunset as thousands of Wheaties fall from the rafters like confetti and everyone is cheering and confused, but cheering because everyone else is cheering next to them, and no one wants to be the one that doesn't cheer.

Reality Friday:

"Hey man, so this is it, huh, last day?"

"Yeah man, kind of nervous and excited, I have to admit."

"Do you know if the fax blasts went out?"

It was just a normal-ass Friday. I wrote some "sentimental" emails to some people I cared about (which really amount to professional yearbook signings), some preachy emails to newcomers (which in their position, I probably would have deleted them and carried on living my life), and then said goodbye to people as they walked past my cubicle. I was the last one to leave my department. I didn't even get an escort (security, gutter minds) or anything. I was perplexed.

After work we went to a bar where some good friends and a few coworkers who decided to ride it out for some alcohol joined in a good-bye dinner. Overall it was nice to have my support network there, and even some potential business contacts showed up. So it was a great cap to a great run. And really as soon as I exited the restaurant, I was focused. Focused not on the week ahead of me and the true beginning of my journey, but on the immense amount of alcohol I consumed and how when it's raining hard and you're walking outside, you can't tell if it's the rain, or you're wetting yourself. Always very nerve-wracking. But after I sobered up a bit I was truly focused. I put it all behind me immediately and turned the page because then...it was on. Sink or swim time newbie, welcome to the deep end.

Final Week Stats:

Total Days Employed by the Now Ex-Job - 1,062

Total cars stranded on Henry Hudson Highway - All of New York

Total times LMFAO's "Party Rock Anthem" was played on the radio - 9,743

Different Train Stations gone to - 6

Times solicited by urine-scented homeless - 2

Times I said "I can get a good look at a T-Bone by sticking my head up a butcher's ass..." - 1

Times New Roman - 1